There is one happy memory that keeps rushing back to me in a flood of sad and hazy over thinking. This happiness wasn’t really a fun time. We didn’t have what normals considered fun and happy times, because we never had a normal fun holiday, birthday, family vacation, celebration etc. It was just something parents do without thinking and without appreciating what they have in a partnership, taking your sick kid to the doctor.
The express care on York rd was thankfully almost empty, I can hardly remember why we were even there besides Penelope having a low fever and it maybe being the first time she threw up; so naturally I panicked. I don’t remember the exam room or anyone else there. I don’t know why this is such a strong memory for me besides being able to look over at you, with her and knowing at the time, before the distrust…that I could count on you. That we were in it together for this little person. I filled out paperwork while you followed her dawdling around the waiting room, and we both gave her cuddles. Our daughter and her health was our priority.
I think this memory makes me so happy and sad at the same time because it was a happy moment in that I felt a sense security with you that was so rare. Yet it makes me so sad because I know it was possible for us to be partners working together for her and our happiness outside of that doctors office…at holidays, birthdays, vacations and everyday. It just couldn’t come together like that for you. The security I felt with you that night at the urgent care is just a distant memory. That’s all I wanted..that’s what most people are looking for, that feeling and promise of safety with another person. I guess that feeling came and went in that waiting room, but at least I have its memory.